Getting over it.

Well after staying awake all night cleaning my kitchen and dining room and they are not completely clean. :( I wonder why it is me doing all the cleaning? I have to do it because I feel like if I don't it won't get done. I am having so much over my house being messy it is already interfering with my sleep and life. I feel like I can't let the kids play because my house is a mess. I also feel like no one from the state should come over to work with Dylan, but they do anyways. From the nasty bugs that are starting to increase in my house I pray that the state will not take my kids from me. To top it all off I have been stressing about money because I have not had the time to work on my business as much as I want, and then I find out that my husband is making over $2000 less than what I thought! Oh man!! How are we ever going to make sure our kids get the things that they need. I love my family so much and I think going through all this is so hard on me that my mask is glued to my face. If you didn't know me I could so make it look like everything is fine in life and you wouldn't even know that anything was wrong. How frustrating is that?


I feel bad that Rhett's oxygen catches on all the wall and stuff left everywhere. He gets so frustrated pulling on his oxygen cord, but then there is no place to put anything and when I put it away it usually falls out of place etc... It is hard he really wants to come off the oxygen and even asked me when he could come off of it and I had to tall him that his lungs have not grown in 3 years so I am not sure if he will ever come off the oxygen. He has decided that he doesn't like wearing his by-pap and is sleeping on the floor because climbing to his bed is too much for him. So at least he still has his oxygen on but if it doesn't help him any then pray tell why is he wearing it anyway? all he wants to do lately is play video games, I know what you are thinking so do all 10 year old boys. :) Oh well nothing I can do about that. I have thought about taking him out of school to help prevent getting the swine flu but I am not sure I would want to fight with him all day about video games. We will be seeing the orthopedic surgeon on Tuesday and maybe the test will soon start and if they don't I will have more answers than I do now. Can't wait to see them and give them a piece of my mind because I am not happy that they sent him home without finding out what was wrong after surgery. I hope he knows that I love him I tell him several times a day.


Nikole is doing great! Even though she cut her hair(at least her school pictures were taken before that) and you can so tell that she did, she is enjoying drawing and coloring and playing and reading. I am not sure what she doesn't enjoy. She is a sweet child and I wish that I could give her a sister since that is what she really wants. I feel like I really need to get Nikole into swimming since she really love that, a child after my own heart! If I could have the pool that I could swim in and teach the kids in that would be awesome but that pool cost over $20000! I know whoa that is a lot of money and that is even more when you have to use all the money you have to pay medical bills. But Nikole does need some sports and club and groups of people in her life right now but we can't at the moment. I am not sure what to do to help her get her feelings out and not bottle them up. I fear they are hurting her having them bottled up inside of her. I hope she knows that I love her I tell her several times a day.


Gavin is learning so much! Like Nikole he is acting out in need of friends and support that he could only get from being able to do things. I would love to put him on a football team or/and a soccer team. He needs more male interaction and maybe he would stop doing somethings that make me nervous. I wish he could express his feelings more openly, but it did take Nikole some counseling in order to open up for me and let me in a little, just not enough. Maybe Gavin needs some counseling too. He is so smart!! I just wish I could help him more then I can at the moment. I honestly feel bad for him because Rhett and Nikole like to pick on him frequently and there is nothing that I haven't tried to help solve that problem. Hope he knows that I love him, I tell him several times a day.


Dylan is so cute and he knows it! LOL! He is walking around like a crazy little man. It is just so dang cute because he is like only 2 feet tall and walking. He doesn't have any real language but I have been trying to sign with him and get him to sign back. He is just not doing it. :( He has got some great expressions but you can never know what he wants unless he throws a fit of cries or something like that. I hope he is starting to understand what I am telling him. I sign and speak at the same time. I am grateful for a great doctor and that he is drinking again and maybe he will put some weight back on since fully clothed he only weighted 19 lbs. 7 oz. I know not that much, but maybe we can get him back to at least 20 lbs. :) I am happy that he is feeling better and eating again. He had me really worried, but I guess the Lord wants him with our family a little longer, which I am truly grateful for. He is getting many different people out to our house for therapy every month. I know that when he is 3 he will be going to preschool at USDB and that will be exciting. I have been thinking of sending Rhett back so that he can pick up signing again so that way Dylan has someone to talk to other than me.

We will see how everything turns out since I only can go one day at a time. My family means the world to me! I have no idea where I would be with out my family and friends and all the support that I get from people. Living life the way I have to can be very hard but because of the support it is possible. My family is amazing!!